


Vulnerability is not Weakness

by Brumeier



Series: Bite Sized Fic 2019 [35]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Horses, M/M, Prompt Fill, Therapy, Veterans
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-10
Updated: 2019-07-10
Packaged: 2020-06-25 23:34:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 999
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19756036
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Brumeier/pseuds/Brumeier
Summary: LJ Comment Fic for Random Horse prompt:Marvel Cinematic Universe, Bucky Barnes +/ any, equine therapyIn which Bucky can't move forward until he learns to ask for help.





	Vulnerability is not Weakness

**Author's Note:**

> Also written for H/C Bingo: Asking for Help

Bucky watched, hoodie pulled well over his head and a glove covering his metal hand, as everyone in his group took a turn with the horse. It was a stupid exercise, getting the animal to show its trust. How was that supposed to help him?

“Freckles won’t respond to threats or pleas or bribes. Just honesty,” Counselor Dan said as Estelle made an attempt with the horse. “Horses respond to how you feel. If you’re calm and confident, Freckles will be the same.”

“Do I have to touch it?” Estelle asked fearfully.

“He won’t hurt you,” Dan assured her. “I know he looks big, but he’s here to help you. Just like me.”

The furthest Estelle could get was timidly touching Freckles on the neck, but you’d have thought she’d won a prize with how her face lit up. Dan gave her a hug.

“That’s great progress! Okay, James. It’s your turn.”

Bucky hunched his shoulders. “I’m good.”

“Equine therapy is an important part of the process here,” Dan reminded him. “You want to reconnect with the person you were before, right? This is just another step.”

Bucky sighed, and stepped up. Freckles’ tail swished, but the horse otherwise stood very still.

“Do you need help?” Dan asked.

“No.” He didn’t want help. He could do it on his own. 

Bucky felt like a failure because he couldn’t seem to get better all on his own, without group therapy and stupid exercises like this, but he also didn’t want to disappoint Steve. It had been Steve who recommended the mountain retreat for veterans in the first place.

He reached down, pinching the horse’s tendon like Dan had showed them, but Freckles continued to just stand there without moving.

“Pick up your stupid foot,” Bucky grumbled.

“You can’t force him,” Dan said. “Are you sure you don’t need help?”

Bucky just glowered. Then Freckles shook his head and whinnied, and Bucky jumped back like he’d touched a live wire.

_You will ride, Soldier._

It was just a sentence, four words in Russian, and he had no context for the overwhelming fear that came with it. Bucky was pressed up against the side of the barn, chest heaving, and it took a long moment to realize everyone else had gone. Everyone but Dan.

“It’s okay to feel the fear,” Dan said softly. “But you can’t let it define you. What happened to you is in the past, and only you can decide how you want to move forward. We’ll try again tomorrow.”

*o*o*o*

The others complained about mucking out the horse stalls, but Bucky didn’t mind it. Physical labor was something he could get behind, something he could understand. He didn’t need to talk, he just worked his muscles until he felt the familiar burn. He was still at it when the rest of his group went to lunch, sprinkling hay into the last empty stall.

There was a whinny behind him, and Bucky turned, holding the rake in a defensive position. But it was just Freckles, his big head sticking out over the door of his stall.

“Stupid horse,” Bucky murmured. 

Freckles shook his head, mane swinging, and showed his teeth.

“You are so. All you have to do is pick up you damn leg. It’s not hard, see?”

Bucky lifted up one of his legs and immediately felt like an idiot. Why the hell was he talking to horse? All that fresh mountain air was making him weird; he missed Brooklyn.

“You’re the lucky one,” Bucky muttered, turning back to the empty stall. “You get broken, they shoot you. Pain’s all gone.”

“That’s pretty dismal.”

Bucky started, bringing up the rake again, but it was just Evan from his group. He shrugged, like it didn’t matter. Evan leaned against the stall. 

“It gets better. Or so they tell me.”

“Platitudes.”

“Maybe. It helps, sometimes. To talk it out. Let it go, instead of keeping it inside like a sickness.”

Bucky knew from group therapy that Evan had lost men in his command because of a stupid mistake he’d made, that the circumstances, while classified, were bad enough that he’d gotten a medical discharge shortly after.

“Talking about it doesn’t make it go away.”

“No. But it saps the strength of it. Sometimes that’s enough.”

Bucky shrugged again, and after a few minutes Evan left the barn.

*o*o*o*

“Okay, James. You can do this,” Dan said encouragingly.

Bucky approached Freckles, determined that this time he’d get the horse to lift that stupid leg. He couldn’t keep failing. He owed it to Steve.

“Come on!” he said, jaw clenched, when Freckles just stood there, feet planted like they were in hardened concrete. His eyes stung with bitter tears. “I could kill you, stupid horse! Do you know how many people are dead because of me? Because I was too weak to stop it? I don’t want to be that…that _thing_ anymore. But I can’t get better without this. I need to have control over something, even if it’s just you. So please, I’m begging you, lift your fucking leg because I just need a little help here!”

Freckles lifted his leg and Bucky burst into tears. He dropped the leg and hugged the horse around the neck, holding on for dear life as his whole body shook.

“Thank you,” he whispered.

“That’s a great first step,” Dan said. “I’m really proud of you.”

“We all are,” Evan said.

Bucky felt self-conscious, wiping his face with the sleeve of his hoodie, but no-one made fun of him.

That was the first time he joined in the group hug circle, and the beginning of his real work in therapy. It turned out there was a difference between being vulnerable and being weak, and for the first time in a long time Bucky let himself believe he could really build a new life for himself. A life with Steve. He just needed to know when to ask for help.

**Author's Note:**

>  **AN:** So I read this prompt and my mind immediately went to the Sandra Bullock movie _28 Days_ , which is about rehab instead of veteran therapy, but equine therapy is a part of that and a sign that her character is finally ready to make some progress. I borrowed that for Bucky because equine therapy is something a lot of veterans are able to use to help in their healing process.


End file.
